Why, by papering the subway station with glossy, seductive “If you had me, you wouldn’t have just had to experience hell on rails” automobile advertisements, of course!
Imagine this: A woozy, vomit suppressing me riding the up escalator from the lower platform in the subway station, studiously trying to avoid looking at the huge “Juicy” emblazoned arse of the person in front of me, while simultaneously shifting subtly sideways so my own not-so-taut (but NOT Juicy emblazoned, mind you) arse isn’t in the face of the person behind me. Hey, stopping the escalator arse-face chain starts with you. Every time you are on an up escalator, by just maneuvering your body 90 degrees to the right, you can help make a person’s day Juicy arse-face free. Think about it. Do your part. Pay it forward…er, backward.
But I digress.
As I neared the top station level, what unfolds is a subway station completely dominated by glossy, aggressively gorgeous images of Mini Coopers. That abominably cute little car! It’s smiling at me, teasing me, flirting with me, begging me to adopt it…a “Zig” tagline for the classic Mini (my favorite), a “Zag” tagline for the Mini convertible (adorable, but not practical in the windy, hair conscious Bay Area)…then my eyes fall on a third billboard, showcasing the newest Mini, the Mini Clubman, under the tagline “Zug”. Zug. Is that short for ZUGLY? Holy schmokes what did they do?! This, this, this, Cooper has….an arse. A hugely disproportionate arse. All it needs is “Juicy” emblazoned on it.
What the hell were they thinking? They made the Mini Clubman longer and taller, and then added two doors to the rear, effectively turning it into a deformed station wagon. It’s like an adorable scamp of a child named Mini grew into an awkward, gangly, acne-addled, adolescent named Clubman. And Clubman has headgear. And a Juicy arse. Junk in the trunk, indeed. Blech. Maybe public transit ain’t so bad after all.
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