Childhood Trauma, Aisle 1...

So lookee what I received via e-mail today: An invitation to "Meet Bearemy from the Build-A-Bear Workshop!" So this is Bearemy:

Dudes, Bearemy looks freakemy.

Coincidence that "Bearemy" rhymes with "Enemy"? I think not.

Bring the kids? I think not...Unless childhood trauma and bear-related distress are on the agenda. Build-A-Bear is already traumatizing the little childrens with their sad, floppy un-stuffed bear skins...and now this...C-O-N-spiracy, I tell you.

And why do I feel an immediate dislike, nearing Barney-the-Purple-Annoying-Dinosaur levels, for this mascot? There's something about this beanie-sportin', kangaroo-lookin' bear that makes me wanna kick it in its gender-neutral unmentionables and snap, "Put on some pants!"

By the by, I am in no way influenced by Stephen Colbert's anti-bear agenda. Bearemy = Enemy, nuff' said.

Conwoocious is Back, Baby!

Egads, has it been nearly six months since I last posted here?! My bad.

Couple of reasons for the Conwoocious silence: Procrastination and TV.

I had a TV-related epiphany when I attended a brief talk by an author who said, roughly along these lines, "I wrote this book while working full-time, tending to the poor, composing an opera, giving birth and raising quintuplets, and curing cancer of the ass. I don't own a TV and am thus, quite productive."

Bloody hell! Bloody bee-yotch! I hate superior people like that. And of course, in the deep dark, cynical and snarky recesses of my heart, secretly yearn to be one. So I will take baby steps in that direction. The first? Saying buh-bye to TV.

I am happy to say that I have not watched TV in the last 30 days. Yep, yay me. I have, however, web-streamed some TV episodes and watched downloaded media judiciously in the last month. But I must reiterate, I have not watched TV in the last 30 days. Needless to say, Conwoocious has not found a cure for any ass-related diseases yet.

But baby steps. I must wean myself from the obsessive chasing of every new episode of nearly every show on TV. The fact that I completely missed the fall premiere orgasma, and am not too upset about it, is progress, my friends. I used to map out the premiere season with a meticulous Excel spreadsheet, you know. Now? Nuthin'. So I am making headway. And -- dare I say it? -- I may indeed eventually write a book, or an opera, or cure some disease related to the posterior...the operative point is that Conwoocious is back!

Mime that Maim

Is it time to freshen up your “kill me now” mime for spring?

Don’t know what a “kill me now” mime is? It’s quite prevalent in workplace environments. You know the drill. Something stressful, frustrating, or downright stupid happens. You and your workmate cronies badmouth the idiot who caused the situation, er, discuss ways to resolve the matter as expediently and efficiently as possible. In the course of the discussion, you, or one of your cronies, roll your eyes, make a face, and instead of saying “kill me now”, you mime it.

Are you a “finger across the throat”? This gesture is quite elegant, easy and doesn’t require complicated hand formations. (Some people are still getting used to their opposable thumbs, thank you very much.) However, this gesture has been used in different contexts. It could mean “Cut! Stop!” Or, it could be used as a short hand gesture for impending trouble. For example, if you are the idiot who caused the “kill me now” avalanche, and are gearing up to meet with your irate boss, a workmate may use the finger across the throat to indicate that you are “in trouble”.

Or perhaps you are a classic “gun to the head”. This is probably the most popular and recognizable. Index and middle finger extended to simulate the barrel of the gun, thumb up to simulate the gun’s hammer. Plus you get the effect of a cocked hammer if you wiggle your thumb. Complex stuff, definitely not for amateurs.

Or are you a “necktie as noose”? This gesture, of course, is limited to the men, though some plucky ladies have put their scarves and bow tie blouses to creative use. You pull your tie up, tilt your head to the side, and, if you are especially adept at multi-tasking, let your tongue loll out. Stunning.

Perhaps you are an “eye jab”? This gesture only requires a closed fist. You are miming the action of grasping a pointy item in your closed fist and jabbing it into your eye. Wonderful. I like this one the best because it lets you change up the implement you use to jab your eye. Today it might be the UniBall soft grip gel pen you swiped from a coworker. Tomorrow, a letter opener. The next time it could be a spork. (Sidebar: Sporks rule. They are versatile, elegant, and cute. I heart sporks.) This gesture is all-inclusive and allows your imagination to run wild.

As in wardrobe, makeup, and hairstyle, it is very important to not fall into a rut in the “kill me now” mime department. I hope you have been inspired to try a different mime at your next smack talk/conflict resolution conference. Be confident, daring, fresh and grisly.